out in the box

As a kid, I can always be catty and bratty but as I enter
the adolescent stage, I become more sensitive to other’s feelings. I become
more mellow. My catty and bratty attitude disappeared. As I go along the way, I experienced a lot. I
had some fair shares of heartaches and heartbreaks, of disappointments and
frustrations and with that I certainly learned a lot not only spiritually as
well as emotionally. Adulthood came like a thunder storm, fast and loud. It
came like a blast. Heartaches and heartbreaks remain constant along the way but
that never hinder me to stop believing in the magic of love and what is it
capable of doing to change someone’s outlook about life and love. I still
strongly believe that everyone has goodness in his heart albeit everyone also
has negative traits that can be change and improve. I am very sensitive. I am
very delicate. I am a crybaby as they may say. People see it as my great
weakness but for me it’s not. The rationale behind that is; I am not afraid to
show and express how I truly feel. Unlike other people who will hide their
feelings; they will let it flow until they cannot hide it anymore and they will
just BOOM! Explode like a bomb.

After a few years, I met a long lost friend. He made me
realized how weak I am for being very sensitive and yes, a crybaby. For me,
it’s a challenge. So, I tried to be the “strong personality type of girl” and
that’s not the real me. Although people still may see me as a feisty snob
social bitch, believe me. I am such a martyr inside. A friend changed me from
being sweet and sensitive to being bitter and numb. He often says I should me
strong and crying is just a “drama”. As
day goes by of no crying, being numb and bitter I begin to realized that this
is not me anymore. Since I can’t cry or express my true feelings, I hide it.
Let it flow and wait until my meter is red flag sizzling hot. I can’t take it
anymore and I will just blare up, I will just burst out like hell. I am
fumingly mad and that is something that never happened to me before. From that
moment I knew something is wrong. I tried everything to change to become a
better person that I can be. However, it turned out that I am a heartless
person and that’s not me. I am not happy and satisfied with the results.

I miss the old Ley, the sweet, hopeless romantic and crybaby
Ley, who always believe that there’s goodness in everyone’s heart. The martyr
Ley who will do everything for the people she cares for. I miss the old me, the
sensitive Ley, who always believes that everyone can be a better person despite
of their negative traits. People see me as a weak person, at least I know deep
inside my heart I am true to myself, to my feelings and to others. I know that
I have a heart and I am not a heartless person. Actually, I am strong because I
can strongly face the reality. I am not
afraid to be criticized. It is okay to be despised for who I truly am, THAN to
be adored for who I really am NOT.

Sometimes, I thought of my disposition in life. More often than not i
compare how am I now from how am I used to be when I was a kid. I
cannot help myself to think how such a big looser I am. Sometimes, it
comes into my mind that I am a failure. I wonder if my family is proud
of me? or if I am the "ley" that they wanted to be? or they just wished
that I never grow old and remain as the sweet little girl who only
knows how to laugh,sing and dance amidst a gloomy day?

I wonder how can I fill in this emptiness and loneliness that I am
feeling. No matter how hard I try to be tough and strong there will
always be a time that I will just breakdown and cry. I can’t understand
how come even though there’s lot’s of people around me, i still feel
alone.

I hate the feeling that no matter what I do, people will not be
satisfied with it. They will not be happy about it. No matter how hard
I try that will always be the situation. It’s also known as the "sad
reality" and I’m beginning to get tired of it.

A friend once said, "it’s not about what would they say, it’s about what you feel, what you want, what will make you happy"

he’s damn true, but come to think of it, no matter what I do, I am still at the "loosing end" and that will never change….ever..probably this is my destiny for real.

Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel always. Be you, and be okay with it.

you want to rid yourself of that
person, you want their face to stop appearing everytime you hear that
certain song, and you want to not call them at 3am when your heart
hurts. But if you let them go, if you cut them out of your life… then
thats it -they’re gone. You will never get a do-over and never get a
chance to make things right. You will go from being the reason they
once smiled, being that person they could always count on… to the
person they hope to never have to see again, because the awkwardness
would be too much to bear.

Early this morning, a phone call woke me up. I was excited to
answer my first call wishing it will be a great start of my day.

Suddenly, he asked, “Am
I going to hear wedding bells soon?”

I answered, “what a great way to greet me GOOD MORNING! are you kidding me?”

“No”

Whom am I gonna marry? Myself? Oh yeah, myself will propose
later”

“don’t you have any plans of dating, go out meet new people?”

“I just kissed dating goodbye…way way way back”

“ i am pretty sure that someone likes you… ”

“im tired”

“of what”

“of being hurt, hoping and wishing”

“you’re not getting any younger”

“im just 23…”

“I got married when I was 23”

“oh,,,yeah”

"think about it, you’re the next in line to settle down. you have to face it"

PRESSURE!!

After the weird conversation, i am still lying, thinking…

Finally, I realized, I am old enough. I am in my so-called
marrying age. Majority of my friends have sons/daughters and married already. But even if I am in a relationship, i don’t want to settle yet.

i just said to myself, I am not the only 23 year old single female in the planet!

right?

ZZzzzZZZzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzz

Someday, you’ll gonna realize One day, you’ll see this through my eyes But then I won’t even be there I’ll be happy somewhere Even if I can’t I know you don’t really see my worth You think you’re the last guy on earth Well, I’ve got news for you I know I’m not that strong But it won’t take long, won’t take long

CHORUS ‘Cause someday, someone’s gonna love me The way I wanted you to need me Someday, someone’s gonna take your place One day, I’ll forget about you You’ll see, I won’t even miss you Someday, someday

But now, I know you can tell I’m down and I’m not doin’ well But one day, these tears They will all run dry I won’t have to cry sweet goodbye

Sometime in our lives we all meet a person, or read a book, see a movie or listen to a song that make deep impressions in our hearts and change our lives. Sometimes, we meet someone that we thought will stay but one day we will wake up, that person is gone. When I began listening to "Someday" I’ve noticed that my healing accelerated, my intuition deepened. I gained more clarity and peace in my life, and also the emotional release had occurred that helped me to break through some of the barriers in my life. It helps me releases the obstacles, beliefs and troubles that are preventing me to achieve success, happiness and optimal health in life. It helps me realize that life must go on. One day that person will realized what he has done. Everything takes time; we should not force ourselves to wake up the next day to be fully recovered. Everything is a step-by-step process. This song also helps me realize that it’s not the end because one way or another, someone will love me and be there for me. Every end comes a new beginning.

People say I am very kind. I am more of a giver than a taker. Honestly, I see it now as “weakness”. Yes, I admit, I am weak, feeble, frail, fragile, and gullible. Call it whatever you want. I am weak. That’s all I know for now. I don’t know how to stand after I fall. I don’t know where to start. All I want now is serenity.

Sometimes we fall so fast. We fall so hard. We fall so deep. We give everything to this someone whom we thought will be by our side through thick and thin, through heaven and hell but one day we will woke up without anything but tears and pain. The fairytale we believed that starts with “once upon a time” and ends in “and they lived happily ever after” will end the other way around; “and they lived happily once upon a time”. Sometimes we thought that giving everything to the one you love will worth everything. That is a fallacy. If that someone doesn’t appreciate what you give….you’ll end up crying without anything left for yourself. That’s the wicked reality of love. You have to take the risk and be ready for whatever instances. The other wicked truth: It’s hard to let go and move one. But it is harder to move on like nothing happened

Someone told me that my stupidity when it comes to love goes overboard. Well, I loved unconditionally. I loved unreservedly. I loved selflessly. I gave everything that I had to that someone knowing he will be the last but I was wrong. The one I loved betrayed me. The one I fought for until the end. The one I loved whom I considered as my best friend, my only trusted friend despite of everything that he had done to me. Sometimes it is true to use your brain more than you use your heart. However I tell you, that is tough.

Moral lesson? Don’t give your 100% when you love. Leave something behind for yourself. Better yet, be single for the rest of your life.

Why are you gone?
It is not fair
I want to hold you close
But youre not there
I remember all the good times we used to share
No other person could compare
Your smile will stay locked in my head
I used to love it when you said
Yeah yeah let the good times roll
Or nah nah pass me the control
I know you would not want me to cry
But I didn’t want to say goodbye
I know you would want me to be happy for you
Because you are no longer blue
You sit up there on a cloud
And look down on us being loud
And even though I am sad
I know I must not be mad
But just remember the memories won’t part
I love you forever tita
With all my heart
You meant so much to all of us,
you were special and that’s no lie.
Your smile brightened up the darkest day,
and the cloudiest skies.

Your smile warmed hearts alone,
your laugh was like music to hear,
I would give absolutely anything,
to have you well and standing near.

Not a second passes when your not on our minds,
your love we will never forget,
the hurt will ease in time

Many tears I have seen and cried,
they have all poured out like rain,
I know you are happy now,
and no longer in any pain.

we will surely miss you tita…our new angel… Ü

there is nothing i woudnt try
just to make u mine
to get a little closer
would be so divine

and everytime i see you
you make me come undone
i always watch you hear me
in you i found the one

chourus

oh why dont you smile my only star
shine on baby
smile my only star
smile my only star(2x)

with you by my side
girl it feels do right
and now that im close to you
i could stay wll night no matter where i go
no matter what i do
in the end your smile
brings me back to

you shine so true
i cant believe youre mine
and everything may change
but to me youll always shine